my little paradise...

the beginning of beanie days

2005-10-21T05:52:00.000-07:00

There are very few places in this world where one feels at home. We split our lives in different places. Ther are a certain set of people we meet in each place, set of books that we read, set of music that we listen to, places we frequent and phases that we go through. The last 8 months in pune has been ecstasic. I close my eyes and can see a little round table meant for three. The lush green lawns and the heart warming ambience of barista.The beginning of a relationship with two of the most wonderful people. There are enough different types of people to make you wonder if variety is an understatement.I cared and I loved the city and am still not over it.There were times when i wondered i would ever survive away from it. Now that i have attempted a move, I wonder more and i see that in strange faces i recognise once i know. I have a pune hangover, not that i weep tears in my morning tea but i do shout excitedly when i see a Mathur delivering food or a vehicle with a MH registration.

Yes. I have just arrived. Found a place to stay. The scortching sun rips through you to reveal the summers of chennai. Now i would be expected to watch Rajinikanth movies among other madrasi activities. The Marina and the masala doas would be a part of it. The flavour of my previous world still rules my little room !The saved chocolate wrappers, the diaries that witnessed my days the little hippo which managed to find a place in my bed, the presence of istylish leather hand bag ,the cell phone that has captured moments, my little scooty which still craves for the not so perfect roads and hello i have a orange beanie now..to add a cool look to my fuzzy world.

You never know..life might just turn out to be perfect once more.

"Temporary Well Being"

The pond is plenteous

The land is lush,

And having turned off the news

I am for the moment mellow.

With my book in one hand

And my drink in the other

What more could I want

But fame,

Better health,

And ten million dollars?

-- Kenneth Burke

When dreams come true...

2005-06-24T10:16:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, the drive that moves me on to write something seems terribly missing. I've been a little tipsy turvy with my emotions .. be it an inexplicable sense of euphoria or a dark deep feeling of depression. I thought i had lost this urge to pen down my thoughts on the paper until today. Why does blogging always need to make sense. Hats off to those people who blog every day to give something more meaningful to people. Iam definitely not one of them.

Today is a beautiful day. drip, drop, spalsh, squish and it rained. The clear sky after Rain fascinates me. One can see the The bunnies, cats,bears, and hearts in the sky. Now i wonder how they take these recognisable shapes and patterns. Does the wind god and Brahma actually sit and make these impressions every day and constantly think how to improve on them everyday. Naah they are not software professionals! Drip, drop, splash, squish and it was raining and with the unexpected turn of events i leave zipping on my scooty -my priced possession. I knew i was being extremely harsh on my accelarator, got the speed levels higher and loved living every moment of it Almost always, it's the unexpected that brings us joy. It may only be a shaft of sunlight, slanting through the pillars of a banyan tree; or dewdrops caught in a spider's web or just an invite for having a plate of poha and chai for breakfast watching the rain. All the way i dreamt of a cyclist in the park, trim under his sleek soft red helmet, cruising along the dirt path...at three miles an hour. On his tricycle. Dreams are so weird and strange. Sure they would have some purpose. I wish i had a dream analyser that would help me in finding out whats running in ones mind..when one is asleep. I wish i could interpret my dreams.

Today is a beautiful day for someone else too who has gone ahead to make his dream come true. Happy birthday Little monk!

to a friendship that purred!

2005-05-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

I was scared...scared of my own thoughts, the things i felt. Didnt know a better way to express what i felt was in doubt then.It hurt because i have been sure all along..even when other people told me in sterner voices that i was likely to stumble even on silk.It was a time for doubting,a time for unpleasant questions and cruel answers.That was a time when i doubted myself as a person. I started searching for answers that i only knew. I only succeeded in confusing my mind, my ears and my heart.Those three long months of silence.Every day was a struggle.But believed that there will be other times too.

Today was a beautiful day .Even with my eyes still closed I could feel the warmth . The rays enveloped me with a hug- the hug of sunshine. A calm breeze rustles the boughs of an overhanging tree and the view outside was the beautiful i have seen in a long time.I saw those little grey balls of fur with unopened eyes and menacing soft mews ..so calm and clear that you
fear your very presence is an intrusion.They spent hours cuddled up together, dreaming, chasing imaginary mice, watching the rain,indelicate contempt of a world that included them.

I have said something of what I came to say. Let the words that were not said be remembered. Thanks to you!

the poetess in me!

2005-04-15T08:15:00.000-07:00

arghh! abck to the accent neutralisation program! well last time the prg atleast helped me in showing off my knowledge to my dad! This time..with all those recordings..i am sure to go crazy! heres a bit of my craziness! So what all did i do today...
walked miles
slept twice
grew wise
munched ice
there flies
another day in paradise.

Rudali!

2005-04-05T10:18:00.000-07:00

I listened to a song today.Nothing new there as i subject myself to those innumerable ones almost everyday hoping to feel atleast half as great as the person i think i am.It's a song you will know when you hear it, it will speak right to the blood pooling at the base of your heart, the blood that leaves you craving and yearning..Its not a song that is just listened, but is
lived through.The song that would secretly make me breathe fire and break into tears at the same time.

I got hold of Dil hum hum from rudali while i was just making my regular visits to those shared folders! I have heard the song long back and i always mention it as one of my favourite songs. but today..I listened to the song between three powercuts, two long phone calls and few interrupted trips to meetings and of course work! I have never spent more than the
required 4 minutes of my time over this song. I realised how less i knew then.Will i cry even when i listen to this song at 30.. It makes me secretly weep and dream! Perhaps i had forgotten how realy wonderful wonderful can it be to listen to a song.

Here's to rudali- the professional mourners who cannot cry at the death of their own soul!whose struggle for survival in this unfair world baffles me. Here's to those who dont know the price they have paid for the gift of this beautiful song to us.

:-)

2005-03-28T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's way past 6 a.m. What am i doing still awake? I'm working! When I am not working, i have the luxury of thinking. Ideally, about work.There is something uniquely satisying about being in the still of a night with a mug of tea and a dark thought in my head.
I am gonan chill out for a while..now..a glass of lemonade with 4 ice cubes would just be perfect..or i could manage with Timmy Thomas and his "dying inside to hold you"...or i have a good mind to watch you've got mail esp with two of my all time fav staring together!
There are so many things i want to do right now..
rub acrylic paint all over my palm and make imprints of both my hands!
lick a spoonful of glucose..!
quietly spend my time under a sea seduced sky!
hear the" tok tok" of those wooden windchimes!
or may be i just wanna sleep!

the best lick of life...

2005-03-25T09:44:00.000-08:00

Flipping through the 'saturated with pink lipstick and false eyelashes' pages of a girlie magazine I'm a big fan of in my weaker moments, I came across this quiz which if done honestly was supposed to tell you if you are a 'bitch' or not. It's not just because it happens to be derogatory to the female of the world's most lovable species. I just don't quite like the word. I don't use it and noone, just noone calls me that and gets away with it. Maybe it was one of the weakest of those weaker moments I was telling you about..but I took that quiz. Honestly.

Now why would I rely on a publication which if given its way would have the world believe success is directly proportional to your night life, to help me decide what kind of person I am. I knew I wouldn't fit the description even before I started out. Nobody would in fact. Most of these quizzes are cleverly contrived to make the average person fall very cosily into the average category which tells you (for example) how perfectly balanced you are between wild cat and hello kitty.

These magazines don't expose you to the winds that blow the hair of a malnourished rural woman out of place or articulate the silence she has been accustomed to living in. Who is she anyway? Is she dating the hot guy in that wild new music video? Who cares about her when you have a comfy cushion to lean back against, cold coffee and all the time in the world? Of course you do. I know I do. It's just that I care almost as much whether Penelope Cruz broke up with
Tom cruise because of his affiliations to Scientology and how exactly I can enhance my 'va va voom' factor a la Posh Spice.

And yet, I don't want to go through my life thinking that I have never looked at the world through the eyes of someone who doesn't quite see the colours I have been gifted with. Let's see. I'm not going to deny myself anything..that would amount to hypocrisy. I am going to wear branded jeans and I am going to read those magazines and I am going to turn my nose up now and then at public transport. But I won't let all of that take my mind off a reality that is fortunately not so much mine to mourn.

I am 22.I should have left all that adolescent meandering behind me.i think i have in many ways.And yet, there is so much of life that remains to be lived regardless of whether i know how i want to live it.The road ahead looks smooth and shiny,there's a love song playing on my lips and there's fuel in my tank.This is how it is always going to be.I'm never going to either win or lose.It will always be a matter of how i look in the rear view mirror.

All this when I was busy with a lyricist..

2004-12-17T02:53:00.000-08:00

I am sitting in front of my computer which inturn sits on a semi hexagonal table. I spent the earlier part of the day working on a spreadsheet with multicolours emphasizing the significance of those revenue figures. Lots of work to do for the day. But I get this enormous satisfaction blogging in such hours. I try to have a look at the things lying on my worktable and let me list out those clutters here...

A computer which is staring at me with a blank look and an equally sophisticated mouse proving our partnership with MS. A terrible mess of wires running between the computer and the CPU in all shades of black white and grey. And there goes a wire running upto those soft black foam interiors of the headphones which luxuriously cradles me with a fusion music! Well my colleagues around feel that headphones should have a little LED in the middle that lights up to indicate sound levels. That way, they can tell if I am really listening to music, or just having the headphones on and listening to every dumb word( one of those "ssshhh women" jokes ) that they share.

In either sides of my computer lies those hi-tech Shorelines and the extension phone conveniently echoing at the perfect time interpreting the most intimatest of my thoughts. Well have you ever pressed 9 buttons for a six digit number... I need to everyday if the number consists of eight and zero with three extra times of pressing the arrogant eight/zero. I am prepared for this and all the more as long as the phone helps me in saving those Rs2/min charges of my cellphone.

Next to my phones lies my authentic, exceptional handbag that houses anything that I stuff in....Sorry to those who cant stop thinking about the brutality that went into this leather handbag.

Don't get me started on the cell phone thing. Sure, I've got one. How else would my dear ones be able to keep a permatab on my absolutely up to no good whereabouts? There lies this small cell pouch next to my handbag ...Well that's for my cell phone. Trust me it was a "cell hell' to find my phone when it used to lie amongst the junks in my handbag. So it struck me as to why not should I give it due respect and hence the pouch. Now when I have done all this why the hell should I turn my cell phone off and revel momentarily in my self imposed unavailability during the meetings. Go head; turn your cell phone ring on the highest, most annoying volume. Wait for calls. Really, you should do this anyway, no matter if it's Cross functionl meetings, church, the opera, or a funeral. You need to be accessible!" Did anyone call?"you are important!

A green transparent water jug stands there on my right..who hates being half full! The moment the water level drops down..Looks like he would give out a wail and the office boy comes running to satisfy his urge of being filled till the brim.

I love Mugs. This one was gifted by my dad. A blue and a white one. So why wont I have it right next to me especially when it claims me to be a lovely sweet little angel of utter loveliness! Thank you Dad! I definitely wanted to use this as a tea mug! But then I would end up drinking 5 cups of tea as this is a jumbo one! Three is pretty damn good. I wouldn't say I am an addict or anything. Ofcourse, one of those first stages of addiction is denial. Its not like I hang out on the street at night dealing tea " hey man, you know where I can score some tea?" So now I use this cup to store those stationeries. More than me using them it is for those who come in desperately in search of those scissors,pens,staplers, tapes and gums. Well..Something to show off right!

Now let me get back to work. And work includes fooling around with my spreadsheet....And generating a better sales target! Whew! Don't you think I deserve a medal with a capital E for blogging in such crucial hours!

The rains of change

2004-12-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i feel how nice it would be if i could have few things with me always. For it struck me then that I am by nature a clinger. I seek to cling to moments, to experiences that must perforce be transitory. I fear to let them slip by, and so I try to hang on. Isuppose there's a reason when everyone tells you that the college years are the best, to cling to them and all that crap that, while true, can't actually change the pace at which one lives one's college years.

Today i am not myself. I want to rush back to my room and cling on to those cobwebs of my minds, that carries some great memories. There flows a note of silence much more deafening, than the strongest of beats. At times it feels so difficult, sweet, sad , silly but still so real... And so I cling on to things as others have, and others will. And maybe I also let go...of the pieces...with the hope that the whole shall someday come back to me! As a sadistic attempt to worsen the state of mind i was already in I just ended up seeing "Life is Beautiful". I’ll forgive Roberto Begnini for messing with my mind throughout this movie!

I started off for a walk just to catch up with myself! I always feel very comfortable walking alone. I enjoy the lonliness of my walks when i am sad..when i am hurt..it gives me this feeling of stubbornly, defiantly struggling to make it on your own! a sense of accomplishment! But there was Teddy ( a strange name for a doggie) willingly accompanying me on my walk! I couldnt tell him a "No". First because he would refuse to understand the fact that i wanted to be alone and second he can make the saddest looking face no one can't resist. Teddy is a stray dog who has been adopted by our office mates. He has a distinguished brown/tan coat with a little black mixed in. He loves attention!. When he is happy, his both ears will lay forward and make him look like a real sweetheart.

It started raining. For some reason I was afraid I’d melt if I got wet. Teddy went crashing through low hanging vegetation like a mad-dog and had a ball mucking about in puddles on the road. He was oblivious to the rain, sniffing anything that moved and some disgusting stuff that hadn’t moved in a long time. Don’t know what set me off, but I suddenly felt incredibly free and alive. I discarded my inhibitions and went face up into the falling rain. I was peppered with thousands of little slaps. It felt so good I shouted "thanks, I needed that," to no one in particular. It was wringing wet out there, but the evening was warm and the air was full of fresh smells and sounds I’d long forgotten. To Teddys delight, we even splashed around in a huge puddle together. He was blissfully wagging his tail with utmost sincerity as if trying to teach me the lifes most important lesson that life will move you in he rhythm and direction of its own nature. Each momet is a fresh moment in the dance and if you are lost in clinging to the past or clinging to your hopes or fear of the future you are not present for the dance.

I don’t know about cats but when it starts raining dogs, I’m joining in the fun from here on in.

shades of blue

2004-11-22T03:58:00.000-08:00

Am back from home partially:(

So many things have happened in the past few days!

And all those significant things that happened around me cannot find a place here!

hey thanks buddy! for this line of yours!

I'm daydreaming again.

true colours

2004-11-03T03:36:00.000-08:00

Am hungry! yeah its one of those days when i miss my breakfast. These days missing breakfasts have become a common affair.There are loads of reasons i can attibute to it...well..the first one that comes to my mind is..yeah i have NO time....i am totally fed up of the usual "bread and jam.." sans butter of course!hmmmto be honest..i miss home food.I would like to have the crispy dosas made by mom accompanied by soft coconut chutney, tangy tomato chutney and delightful sambar. well..if my mom would have been here her voice would have been echoing in the air "You can't start the day on an empty stomach!"

This weekend has been real hectic..ofcourse with shopping and movies!Shopping is a contact sport like football. I enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds, the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase. And the best part is i started off on a genuine cause of furnishing my cousins with a few gifts..and ended up furnishing myself with one of those cheekiest, whackiest, coolest rustic simple Madhubani- ishtyle elephants tantra t-shirt..with the weirdest, craziest slogans!well..if my mom would have seen me buying them..then the reaction would have only been obvious..."Why do you go on buying clothes? Your closet is FULL of them already! "

Movies in their own way makes a weekend looks complete! There is a great thrill in watching movies in the first day of their release in a small theater with few patrons especially if the screen was adorned with a pretty piture of the the zorabian chick...and what more than a night show!Morning raaga was weird ina way...but then the carnatic fusion definitely made it worth watching! Well, if i could have even made a slightest urge for a night show at home..my dad would have made his presence felt with his" Its just not safe for girls to go for a night show..I am sure its your freinds who are dragging you to it..and i would suggest them too to not travel alone in the night"! Thats my dad!

I love my room! I have my cosy bed lying right next to the wide window making it even more cosier.There is nothing like hitting the bed watching my favourite poster!the poster was brought with the intention of gifting it to someone but couldnt resist the unconditional love in the eyes of a father holding the baby in his comforting arms assuring her that he is always there When she awakens frantic with the terrors of the night. This weekend was also spent in cleaning up my room!!Cleaning the room is more of hunting things that gets lost miraculously and making a 'to do' list for the week . Having everything written down, and crossing things out once they've been done(erasing the "not done" also gives a great feeling of accomplishment!) keeps me from feeling overwhelmed. Well, thinking of what my mom would have said on my room cleaning errand..."You can't find it? Well, if you'd put things where they belonged, you wouldn't have this problem.All I do is follow you around, picking up after you like some maid. I'm not always going to be around to do these things for you."

am hungry...i wanna listen to "Fools Graden" in full volume....wanna get decked up in my black kurta..and wear my matching
black dangling earrings..or may be i just wanna go home!

blog!!!

2004-10-25T09:42:00.000-07:00

There are loads of things i want to write about..like..

how i mourned for my nike floaters that got lost in the temple (yeah it happened!)

how i took some time off from my mourning to freak out a little bit inspite of the above ( yeah..that happened too!)

how ram gopal verma delivered the unexpected( yeah..the vastu shastra!)

how we were the only two girls to watch the night show yesterday (yeah..me and my "smartie" room-mate)

how i still havent managed to complete the book i have been reading for a month now(yeah its "Gone with the wind")

how badly i want a matching salwar for my black kurta(yeah..am yet to hunt for one!)

how i still have not managed to get the lyrics of kandisa..(yeah to sing along with the song!)

how i have not mailed in anyone today..(yeah..that has never happended!)

how i have not painted my toes for a while..(yeah..guess that can wait!)

but could not get myself to blog today...(yeah i have done that too!!!)

I lost my accent!

2004-10-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

Am definitely not among those who read newspaper on a regular basis.But here i am these days reading aloud from the newspapers or any magazine i can get my hands at.Here i go again.."A joint STF team proved to be Veerappan’s nemesis, but it was a doctor who brainwashed the brigand to move out of the
forest for eye treatment. An STF source said a doctor from Dharmapuri whom Veerappan had trusted helped the Tamil Nadu STF to lay the trap. The STF official told ..."well i definitely cant attribute this to my yearning to be updated with things happening around...All this and more for me getting into an american accent lingo!!!sounds weird though!!!

It was my first time with an american client, but my shock was unbelievable. The lady on the other end kept asking me to repeat myself. In my naivety, I thought we had a bad connection. Only later I realised that she really had not understood a word I was saying.Then summoning all my patience, I spoke as slowly as I could to the lady, until she understood what I explained. Exasperated and exhausted from my 15-minute conversation accosted by accents from different part of the world phew! What a day I was having. I sat back quietly in my cabin and listened to the accents drifting in and out of the speaker phone next to me.

well..that saw the beginning of my american accent training program!Now i am bombarded from the people around in my team about the importance of this and what more, they have also taken the responsibily to dump a thing or two in me to get rid of my"vernacular accent" as they say!"we are literally translating out dialogues from our mother tongues to english,which has its own fun.i studied in an Indian school,British english.american english actually made me squirm when i first got familiar with it,but then you realise that it is not bad,or demeaning to the language itself,if people from one region add their own touch to it...."-and they went on and
on... But then I noticed one thing,when Indians try to speak in a fake accent its really visible,I mean I might understand an american without any problem but once an indian tries to fake an accent its just visible that he is trying very hard to get it.hmm hope this doesnt make me a stranger to my own spicy british accent!T

here goes this cell phone of mine..with my dad at the other end..checking in how updated i am with the happenings in my state..and me proudly showing off my knowledge of veerapans capture!!!looks like the accent training program realy helps..eh!!!

Thanks to someone...

2004-10-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

yesterday was just like any other day as I toddled in to my office to "do stuff." It was also one of those days when you absolutely dont feel like doing any of those daily jobs....especially when you..oh yes, the trauma of losing something Something comforting and familiar is gone and might not be back, so things might not be the same, but there's a possibility that it might return.the little one seem to have vanished somewhere or looks like it has found a better soul to take care of it !(someone def owes me an apology)it is impossible to avoid feeling guilt altogether especially when you know you have lost. As someone once said, "Guilt is the price we pay for civilization." i just had to make sure that i dont over pay!I just cant take losing somethin that is close to my heart...i was going to call my friend and ask him if I can borrow HIS brain .I was clearly having a bad day for I fooled myself into thinking he had more than one and also the fact that i can ring him up for i have lost something!I was praying for forgiveness as i had thought of promoting it a to a higher grade just a few day back..and now its gone forever..probably the very though gave it nightmares!and thus my yesterday was spent in guilt and prayers!the only thing i kept doing was calling it in its own language..a tune that was its own and which it would understand
much better than anyone...the BLUE song..
"And I swear
If you come back
In my life
I'll be there till the end of time
And I swear
I'll keep you right
By my side'
Cause baby
You're the one I want
(Come back to me
Come back to me
Back into my life)"
I came to office today...carrying the hangovers of my previous day...and there it lies right on my sohisticated work table...gleaming with its own lost beauty...my cute,Adorable, small, portable and fashionable cell phone with its BLUE ring tone in full volume..assuring me that the world is just a call away!
THANKS to someone!

the new adorable yellow one...

2004-10-08T04:57:00.000-07:00

I could do with yummy hot tea in a mug that warms my palms while I drink.For the past two days i have been trying to Recover from the loss of a loved one and though that is a bit of a strong statement to attach to an inanimate vending machine, the ethos rings true. With the departure of the beloved instant coffee,tea and hot water machine(multi purpose) in the lounge and the subsequent change from "some" snacks to "no" snacks is a serious void in my life.

I feel sleepy..i could do with a bean bag now..My computer is mortified about them though, because instead of working on him sitting on my bright red comfortable cushion chair, I would be cuddling up with my bean bag alone!!! I'm sure he'll get over it though! a pleasant instrumental music at the background should be a releif..The weather seems to be crisp and chilly.a cup of strong tea...would just complete the picture....

oh..Love at first sight, that's what it was..there he stands a bright yellow new vending machine... The prettiest version ever..I wanted to be the first one to try my hand on him..picked up my favourite mug and walked towards the new one and soft touched ..for tea..he made a gurgling sound and with all his new pride filled my mug...One sip of tea..and i realized that sleep was no longer an option. Pink elephants were spotted flying outside the office. The seductive aroma of teas and coffees just seemed to drag people to the lounge. my cabin was warm and filled with
cheerful people sipping their hot drinks at intimate little tables.

Now, there lies a pile of work deadlined for today...and i willing surrender to my computer with my cup of tea..

Life rocks!

if only..

2004-10-07T01:53:00.000-07:00

Well,its almost two months since this blog was born..and the only constructive thinking i have been doing since then is to wonder whether i would ever blog..I do used to think that a person always gives away too much of himself in his writings..but who cares..
So much time has passed.Actually not so much time has passed.Its just that so much has happened.have successfully got my leave sanctioned after a whole struggle of 2 weeks to go home for diwali and cant stop thinking about the get-to-gather that would be happening during diwali.The shrill-piched affectionate voices of my aunts,the two nephews of mine the 3 yrs old one whose an absolute darling..and the 6months old one..i fell in love with her, and the fights that we cousins would have to snuggle her while she slept. cant stop thinking baout the mother-made sensuous, decadent, and sinfully delicious diwali sweets i would be savouring.
I have fallen in love with my life..It looks complete with me and my job.This is the best phase of my life...
I am happy. Almost guiltily so.
Life would be perfect. If I could go home.